Bittersweet Immortal
by Yamatsuki
Summary: After Mikoto s death, Munakata can't forget the memories they shared together


I´m so tired of being here sitting in this office desk, surrounded by a sad and tense atmosphere. I believe I lost the counts of how many glasses of your whisky I already drank and how many of your cigarettes I smoked till now. Everything just for a mere remembrance that you left behind, everything for an illusion that I sincerely don´t know how much longer it´ll be by my side.

Suppressed by all my child's fears. All our past seems like a distant taste of happiness and I don´t know how to deal with it.

Sitting in this chair, while I tap my fingers nonstop on the table, searching for anything that can get my attention for more than five minutes, the only thing that i really can do is sigh in despair for some kind of hope. I can´t even remember Awashima-kun and Fushimi-kun´s voices, though they talk to me everyday, trying to cheer me up somehow.

Suoh, you used to captivate me by your resonating light that enveloped all your being. That infinite and shining red light that circulated all your body, the heat and tenacity that emanated from you left me bewildered and amazed. Now I´m bound by the life you left behind.

Your face haunts my once pleasant dreams. Foolish dreams of a hole life walking by your side, giving you support and sharing joyful moments, for even in the worst situation in ours positions as Kings. As a dream, I still can hear your low voice telling vulgarities in my ear, taking me to places that I never imagined I could go with someone.

That same voice chased away all my sanity when I heard from your very own lips that you didn´t care anymore for your own life. When I tried to stop it, you rejected my selfish pray that I wanted to impose over your decision, even if I was trying to show that I didn´t care at all.

You know, if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. I close my eyes for a short while and I can still see and feel you, that´s why I know your presence still lingers here, hunting me and it won´t leave me alone. For your every gesture I now simulate, for each street that I dare to tread, every corner of my house that I try to erase the memory of when you still enjoyed as if it were yours.

These wounds won´t seem to heal. There was a time someone said to me that a wound in the heart tend not to heal nor the pain cease to exist, that moment I didn´t care about it at all, but now the pain is just too real. There´s so many things that time can not erase, as the heat of your fingers running on my skin, as your hungry eyes full of desires when you were on me, as the tears in my eyes retained until today after you leave me.

I tried so hard to tell myseft that you´re gone, that it was myself that prevented you from your last breath of life and that I´d never see your careless smile, with a cigarette on your lips, embracing me after our night adventures.

My body still tremble when I think about that moment. When I thrusted my sword in your heart, I couldn´t feel anything at all, it was as if all my senses were numb. There was only me, you and the red...

It was as if, even though I killed you, you´re still by my side. Hounding me, warming me, driving me crazy in a way that I never thought I could get this out of control. Yet I've been alone all this time.

When you cried I'd wipe away all your tears, even if in fact you have never done. Keeping for yourself the terror and loneliness that continuously grew inside you. When you screamed, I'd fight away all of your fears, even if your voiceless screams were lost in the middle of nightmares that I squirmed for failing to dissipate. I held your hand for all of these years, from the moment you extended them to me, till the heat leave your body.

What scares me the most is that even trying to deny, even fighting against all the feelings you built inside me, even disregarding my wishes and even if you already have sailed away... you still have all of me.

Suoh, I couldn´t save you from the start, isn´t it? Even though I thought you trusted me. I was incompetent enough to not be able to save you in any of your voiceless requests for help, either when we were teenagers, nor now that thou hast forsaken me.

I love you so it hurts my soul. Apparently it's been over a month that I keep locked in his room, emerging only to keep my tasks, even so, I started to neglect. I just do not know what else to do with this mixture of feelings, thoughts and memories that haunt my head.

Does thou wouldst forgive me for trying again? For trying to live again with another person? Although, certainly, I do not think I ever get rid of your presence to get me caught up in a new relationship. There is not a single person in this world besides you, who can make me lose my temper, who can make me smile, make me agonize so much for a loss.

Even now your silence makes me hold my breath. The time that you left behind insists on covering any edge of my life.I watched the clouds drifting away andStill the sun can't warm my face. I know, this was destined for go wrong. Since the beginning, I knew that nothing good could fructify from a complex relationship between two kings.

Thou couldst not face the freedom on your own, Thou couldst not handle your own powers and responsibilities that entailed. You were looking for the best choice to chase your demons away. Now I'm left here in the silence.

I've been so lost since you've gone. Why not me before you? Why did fate deceive me? Everything turned out so wrong. Why did you leave me in silence? You gave up the fight and left me behind. Made me clean all the mess and bear the consequences of having annihilated any possible future we could get if you had continued to walk.

Now in my hands, just a legacy of memories. I can hear you saying my name, I can almost see your smile and feel the warmth of your embrace. My big problem is that, now, there is nothing but silence around the one I loved. This is our farewell, isn´t it?

I never thought this day would come so soon. Knowing that his powers were a growing in line and soon all would be consumed by thy flames, I still could not manage the idea of loss. We had no time to say goodbye! How can the world expects me to just carry on? I feel lost when you´re not by my side…

Did you know that the snow is getting colder?

I feel so sad... I still have feelings for you, I wonder if even now you still feel the same. I miss everything about you...

If I have told you directly, would you hear me? Would you stay? Would you be here forever? Never go away? If I had been true, it could have been different. I know that if I had verbalized all my desires and fears, you´d end up taking it into account, but I just couldn´t let the voice come out of my throat.

A bitter thought, indeed. I had it all, but just let it go without at least have tried to change the course of destiny. I embraced your silence and just agreed with your will. Emptiness is all i have right now.

Frankly I can't stand it anymore. I let my body lean forward, resting my head on my arms. Closing my eyes trying to rest somehow. Trying to control my desire to go after you. I don´t feel the cold, all our moments keep me warm when I realize that you're gone. All my thoughts will be with you forever, until the day that will be back together... I'll be waiting for you!

-/-

Munakata, you worry too much. I see sadness in your eyes. Reaching out my hand, can feel the cold that covers your skin. Even so, you are not alone in life, although you might think that you are. There are those who are depend on your power, those who care for you and those who are waiting for your return. 

So sorry your world is tumbling down. I will watch you through these nights, like all others you passed beside me.

Rest your head and go sleep, 'cos, Reisi, this is not our farewell.


End file.
